It’s safe to say that I don’t do well with in-laws. Let’s face it, my job consists of trolling clubs looking for the best places where two people can fulfill their Las Vegas fantasies. You then factor in the daunting task of reviewing strip clubs, topless shows and bars where individuals of either sex are hoping for the perfect one night fling and you can easily imagine what it’s like when I have to get together with my extended family.
Mother’s day in Las Vegas is no different but I decided to make a real effort at turning around the misconception that only the deviant people in our society can have fun in Las Vegas. Even our Mothers can have a good time in Las Vegas. I had to rule out the nickel slots because my mother really becomes a bitter woman when she loses her last twenty dollars and my mother in-law is the type who gets so liquored up on free drinks that she ruins the entire morning.
I decided to have them meet us, my wife and kids as well, at the Rio for a quick shot at their Buffet. At some point these woman became enamored with the place so I let them have their way with the powdered eggs and dry muffins. I have a few rules when it comes to buffets so I made sure I gave them a copy of my buffet etiquette article. If there is one thing I can’t stand it’s someone not utilizing their potential when visiting an all you can eat feast. For $12.99 I could feed each of the mothers involved and get in an hour on a 4/8 hold em game at the Rio Poker room. I’m not expected to do all the work, my wife had to sit in on some of this non-sense as well. The trick is you never tell them you’re playing poker, you just make a quick exit and realize that during the feeding frenzy they will hardly know you’re gone.
When I brought up the idea of a round of golf on Mother’s day in Las Vegas it was quickly shot down by my wife. Apparently, introducing new things to our mothers was not on the approved list of things to do for Mother’s day. So I decided to run them through Madame Tussauds Wax Museum at the Venetian. Real quick, you should know that if you are repulsed at the sight of senior citizens, who frequent buffets, pose by Jennifer Lopez and ponder if they have nice booty’s; avoid this place.
By this point in the early afternoon I needed a drink and I figured that the two Mothers needed more calories before the day took its toll on them. Frankly, if I have to lug another oxygen tank around the Horseshoe I’m not sure if I can be a decent son. I had the ladies walk over to the Imperial Palace and jump on the monorail. My wife and kids met them at the MGM Grand for lunch.
I always find it amusing that my wife and I can knit pick about everything when it comes to our mothers. “How can she put the fat from her prime rib right on your plate?”, my wife asked about my mother. “How can she pretend it’s just Orange juice” I ask knowing full well that I had ordered my mother-in-law a screwdriver. I have always known that a sober mother-in-law can only bring evil to a situation. So, I actually ordered her a double.
Lunch with my mother and my mother-in-law can really only be had as I enjoy a Sam Adams and a Po’ boy at Emeril's New Orleans Fish House. I had to be careful not to allow them to order for themselves because my Mother is prone to ordering the most expensive shrimp dish on any menu and my mother-in-law believes that everything in Las Vegas is free. This is an easy meal with the mothers because I promised to let them loose for a few hours to take a look around the MGM Grand. Meanwhile, I took my kids and their mother to the roller coaster across the street at the New York/New York hotel and Casino.
The Manhattan Express Roller Coaster at the New York-New York is my wife's idea of fun on mother’s day. Nothing like watching her boys scream at the top of their lungs as her heart sinks into the pit of her stomach. After two rides and a few arcade games we find my mother-in-law with a drink in her hand and my mother coveting a Betty Boop slot machine.
It’s late in the afternoon and I offer the grandmas an evening with the boys and you would think that I had two for one tickets to the Boardwalk concession stand. They are elated and my wife and I are free to roam the town for the evening.
I would love to tell you that we danced all night at Risque or had drinks at the V Bar. Instead, we walked over to Paris and spent a quiet Mother’s day in Las Vegas having a great meal at Mon Ami Gabi and laughing at the annoying things our mothers do.
I hope we never pick our teeth with our fingernails only to inspect the contents and then eat our findings. I hope that we never belch and pass gas at the same time in a restaurant and comment that the salad must have had broccoli. But, all is forgiven because the mothers have now become grandmothers and I could have saved a lot of money by just having them watch the kids by the pool.
I can’t wait for father’s day, because I can guarantee you that it will be strip clubs, bars and poker for the guys.
